Why I’ll Never Be an Action Hero

I just got back from watching Rogue One. Wouldn’t it be great to be an action hero? Brave, resolute, ready at a moment’s notice, up against the worst odds but endlessly Hopeful about the outcome. However, that could never be me. Here’s why.

Action heroes are ready at a moment’s notice. Hmm, better ask my husband about this one. Just getting ready to go on vacation has me in a tizzy.

The bad guys in full body armor shoot round after round, missing their targets 99 times out of 100, but the action hero shoots once and knocks out three men at once. Let’s just say my eye hand coordination is not the best.

Action heroes often end up outside a large, heavily protected multi-floor compound with long winding hallways. They not only find their way in to the hidden room containing the information to save the world, they also find their way out again without asking directions. For information on why this eliminates me, see Directionless.

Action heroes all have incredible arm strength. In the process of getting to the hidden room with the information to save the world and getting the information out again, action heroes always end up hanging off the edge of something by only their fingers, sometimes holding on with just one arm and shooting three people at a time with every shot. Hang me off the edge of something, I will simply fall to my death.

For the characters thrown in who don’t have all of a full action hero’s super skills, there’s always a spot for a techie. Action heroes always come up against technology they are not familiar with or need a password for, but in moments manage to hack it, right before they blow it up or batter it to keep anyone behind them from undoing what they’ve done. I, on the other hand, am often stumped by the technology I use every day. My super powers include knowing which techie people to ask and the power of Google.

So, no, I can’t be an action hero.(Rest in peace, Princess Leia.) But dang, wouldn’t it be fun?

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